Vacation planning to-do: prepare for a possible sharknado at Universal Studios Florida.
WAIT, WHAT?
I am exceptionally excited to inform the internet at large that I am returning to Universal Studios Florida’s Halloween Horror Nights this month!
To answer your first question: yes, I will be bringing my Kitty Ears of Courage, OBVIOUSLY. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t still just a skosh nervous about the whole thing. But I had such a great time last year I’m mostly just eager to get in there and scream laugh!
Of course, I’m planning to go in prepared. In addition to my Kitty Ears of Courage, I’ve indulged in some light spoilers and created my house shortlist. I’m also watching the relevant movies/shows in advance of my trip so that I can better understand the IP haunted houses.
Hey, you know what’s a satirical horror movie that isn’t relevant to HHN but is relevant to Universal Studios Florida generally? Sharknado 3.
BRING ON SHARK WEEK!
I am a known shark enthusiast who loves Peter Benchley and enjoys a screener of Deep Blue Sea unironically. 27 Meters Down is solid; Under Paris is HILARIOUS. I can get down with sharksploitation if it’s good and/or fun. The key to these movies is that they are so silly and over the top that they circle back around to being awesome.
Unfortunately, as shark horror has become increasingly goofy and self-referential, it’s sucked a lot of the air out of the B movie side of the genre. I know a lot of people love the bad-CGI weirdness of SyFy movies and their ilk. Hey, I get it; I loved Ghost Shark too (but you only really need to see one scene of Megashark).
The problem is that there needs to be a core of sincerity to the cinematic effort for the schlock to play as fun instead of dumb. The dialogue should be quotable for its wit, not its leaden stupidity. Abandon science if you must, but try to maintain some form of internal logic. Bad CGI we’ll all agree to roll with.
Whew, I really warmed to that topic. Should we start a shark movie club? No, put a pin in that. What was I talking about again? Right! Sharknado 3 and Universal Studios!
THERE’S A ~THIRD~ SHARKNADO MOVIE?
Actually there are six Sharknado movies plus a video game, but only Sharknado 3 (subtitle: Oh Hell No!) is relevant to us theme parks enthusiasts. While the movies do all connect in some way, the plot hardly matters. All you need to know is that super hurricane-tornados are picking up sharks and flinging them about on land. This angers them and then they eat people. Sometimes they do this in outer space. So far, so normal.
I’d given all of this media the miss up to this point. Then I discovered something that made me reconsider: unique to the other installments, Sharknado 3 heavily features Universal Studios Florida. The characters are depicted as enjoying a brief vacation at the resort – and yes, one of the titular sharknados rips through the parks. I figured if nothing else it’s always fun to watch shows/movies that take place in theme parks, so I gave Sharknado 3 a shot.
SHARKNADO 3 IS… CERTAINLY A MOVIE THAT EXISTS
Sadly, although admittedly only in my opinion, Sharknado 3 falls into the category of B movies that are so bad they mostly just stay bad. Well, I say only my opinion, but the critics didn’t love it either.
The whole thing is full of wooden dialogue and uneven acting, gaping plot holes, and painfully impossible physics that are underscored by the repetitive narrative. Everything seems engineered to make you laugh at the idiocy of it all – but everything between the winks at the audience feels like a bit of a slog.
That being said, there are definitely funny bits! Just about everything involving the “Today Show” cast as themselves hits the right satirical balance. Frankie Muniz deserved more screen time. And I will admit I liked the mascara gun.
I think you can safely skip most of that if you want, though. Let’s get to the part that matters!
WHAT HAPPENS TO THE SHARKNADO GANG INSIDE UNIVERSAL STUDIOS?
The below arguably amounts to so many spoilers. However, I would argue that this is very much a piece of, ahem, art that is less about what happens and more about how it happens. Nevertheless, proceed at your own risk!
Still in? Great! Here are the highlights:
For some reason the family is staying at Cabana Bay Beach Resort. No shade there – I’ve stayed there twice and loved it – but I find it kinda surprising they didn’t promote Portofino or one of the other high-end hotels on property. Apparently Cabana Bay opened in 2014, so I’m guessing that’s why they chose to highlight a less expensive option.
The fun really starts when an opening sharknado volley tosses a large shark directly into the pool’s water slide, which the shark then slides down into the pool. This shark is down with both fresh water and chlorine, because instead of immediately dying it takes out a lifeguard who I think is also a former member of ‘NSYNC. The cameos are truly wild in this thing.
OCEANS OF ADVENTURE
Meanwhile, back at the parks, it is 2015 and some teens are enjoying a bunch of attractions that will soon be extinct. Prescient!
My first note was that in the movie they stop the Rip Ride Rockit cars to board, which is NOT true to life; the trains move slowly through the station as riders board (or I guess technically they used to). That’s what happens when you need to make room for dialogue.
I was thrilled to see the next Teen Tour Stop is Disaster, a cult classic I miss to this day. Regrettably the Christopher Walken hologram doesn’t make it into this film, but he’s always in my heart. Anyway, the sharknado hits for real here, breaks into the Disaster train scene, and eats some of the teens. Frank Kincaid would’ve loved it.
Smash cut to a couple hero main characters, who crash land the fighter jet (don’t worry about it) Tuvok gave them (I said don’t worry about it) into the resort lagoon. They emerge shirtless.
THE NAME’S BRUCE
Now the sharknado is hitting Universal in earnest, but Jerry Springer is more interested in getting a picture of himself with the Jaws replica that hangs in the San Francisco area of the park. Turns out the model shark has been replaced by one of the sharknado sharks, which eats him. Classic.
Moving right along. Next we switch to a man I am assured is a pro-wrestler who is also a park employee. He is very determined to evacuate everyone currently stuck on Rip Ride Rockit during the active sharknado (why was the train dispatched I ask you???). Then comes my favorite bit: a shark lands on the track, somehow manages to repeatedly slide itself UP the first big drop, and eats the wrestler man at the top. Such talent!
So while that’s happening, the main hero guy is flung from the coaster through the roof of Twister, where he chainsaws a shark to death in front of an enraptured audience. The most unrealistic part of this scene is that the viewing area is completely full. Schwing!
A GLOBETROTTING FINALE
Clearly at this point the sharknado situation is getting out of hand. Buildings and attractions are destroyed as the sharks ravage the parks. Our heroes do the only possible thing they can do in this situation: CLIMB INSIDE THE UNIVERSAL GLOBE ON THE LAGOON.
Naturally the globe comes unmoored from its base. After a brief bout of threatening the running crowds after the fashion of Indiana Jones, it hurtles through the air and lands at the tippy-top of the Islands of Adventure lighthouse. Like I said: physics!
Then they steal a couple stock cars and drive away to Cape Canaveral. No mention of how Walt Disney World fared during the ordeal.
IS SHARKNADO 3 WORTH THE WATCH FOR THE UNIVERSAL STUDIOS MAVEN?
At this point, about 1,300 words in (because this is me we’re talking about), I’m honestly not sure if I’m selling the movie too hard or not hard enough. I did say it was bad, because it was, but in retrospect the Universal Studios portion was pretty funny once things got going. I’d say it’s worth a watch with a couple of like-minded friends… and some alcohol (if you’re into that sort of thing). At the time of this writing, it’s free to watch on Amazon Prime. *That link is affiliate, but again, it’s free.
I will leave you with this parting thought. Universal Studios Florida shut down their Jaws ride in 2012. The first Sharknado movie came out in 2013. Can you imagine if the Jaws ride had still been up and running? Oh, the retheme that might have been…
P.S. My cat liked it.
Don’t forget, you can follow FRoA on Threads @fairestrunofall and on Instagram @fairestrunofall. If you have any questions or thoughts, leave a comment or email fairestrunofall@gmail.com. See ya real soon!
It’s funny you mentioned that — I actually had a similar worry once when a big storm warning hit right before my Universal Studios trip. I remember sitting in the hotel lobby, debating whether to brave the weather or reschedule my park day. Luckily, it cleared up just in time, and the day turned out perfect. During that trip, I even booked a quick airport transfer after an unexpected delay, which worked out smoothly. Have you ever had to adjust your theme park plans because of unpredictable weather before?