Narnia FAIL & Other Fandoms That Won’t Pan Out For Me

I wish I liked the stuff everyone else liked. No, seriously, I mean it. I’m not remotely trying to suggest that my interests are so COOL and NICHE and YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND. They aren’t, and many do. I just wish I ALSO liked the stuff everyone else liked, so that I too could really enjoy the theme park version of it.

Don’t get me wrong; I do catch a case of The Hype in Batuu and I’m impressed by the immersive themescapes of Universal’s Harry Potter theme park lands. (Pandora can SUCK IT.) I just remember how people straight-up wept upon first seeing the Millennium Falcon when Batuu opened because it was a part of their childhood/early youth come to life. That’s the feeling I’d love to experience.

NARNIA WAS NOT IT

I came, ooh, so close once upon a time, when Disney was developing the Narnia movies. I LOVE the Narnia books. Edmund Pevensie is my Harry Potter. Aslan is my Obi Wan Kenobi.

Well, maybe not in the strictest sense, as I am not actively obsessed with them the way Star Wars or Harry Potter people can be. But the Narnia books were my childhood favorites and I’ve read them all many many MANY times. Ask me a trivia question! Any trivia question! The answer is while under earth and throneless now I be, yet while I lived all earth was under me!

As such, you would’ve thought that when Disney briefly opened a walk-through Narnia attraction I would’ve had my moment. The first problem is that here I am using the term “attraction” loosely. You did get to walk through the wardrobe, as I recall, and I think there was a snoap machine too. Yet it was really more akin to Universal’s current Wicked display than anything else. Like an immersive museum exhibit, with prop replicas and movie clips on scattered TVs.

Here, check out this video and be, like, kinda underwhelmed:

Apparently the Prince Caspian version was preceded by a The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe iteration wherein a live actor appeared as Jadis, the White Witch. You know, who made it always winter but never Christmas? That sounds marginally more entertaining, although we did get our own live actor experience…

THE PRINCESSES OF BALTIMORE

I was with my friend Moon at the time, and we noticed while there was a wait for the attraction walkthrough on its own, there was no wait for the Prince Caspian meet and greet that then granted immediate access to the walkthrough. (Prince Caspian had just come out in theaters. It was not great. I mean, Caspian is only supposed to be around 12 in the book, and there’s no dumb made up romance with Susan, and – wait, stop. That’s not what we’re doing. Back to the post!)

ANYWAY. We elected to do the meet and greet, and it was kinda weird. Caspian’s vibe was oddly flirty, which I guess can be fun but in this case it just felt off. He asked us where we were from, and we simplified and said Baltimore for both of us. Thus he declared us Princesses of Baltimore, with me taking the title of High Princess because I am the older. Then we got to leave. Like I said: weird.

Unfortunately this was back before photos were readily accessible by app, and I don’t have personal evidence. You’ll just have to trust me that this is how it went down.

So as much as Narnia could’ve been the land that brought me home to childhood, it was not.

JENNLAND

But that does beg the question: what land would bring me home to childhood? That’s a tough one. It can’t just be something I like. It can’t just be something I remember fondly. Those Star Wars fans sobbed over the Falcon, remember? It’s got to be something that will take the baseball bat of nostalgia and beat me about the head with it. Crying might be asking too much, but I must experience The Feels.

My favorite Disney movie as a little kid was 101 Dalmatians, but I’m not sure there’s enough there there for its own land. Might be a fun overlay for the UK Pavilion in Epcot. Given that a Mary Poppins attraction there got axed, however, I’m not holding my breath.

I was big into the cartoon “The Pirates of Dark Water” when I was little, and hey, Disney owns the rights now! Tula was voiced by Disney Legend Jodi Benson and everything! Niddler plushes would sell! Put a monkeybird on your shoulder and smoke it, banshees!

Alas, “Dark Water” is probably too obscure to get off the ground. I wouldn’t be a surprised if 90% of you have no idea what I’m talking about.

A proper Halloween Town land would be neat, and I’m sure have many Nightmare Before Christmas fans excited. The movie features tons of memorable locations, the most iconic being the spiral hill that unfurls under Jack in the cemetery. Disney already does a Nightmare overlay for Disneyland’s Haunted Mansion, and they have Jack, Sally, and Oogie Boogie costumed characters.

Still, Disney might deem the subject matter too spooky for year-round use. Besides, I didn’t really get into Nightmare until much later in life. If we’re trying to delight my inner child, this one is disqualified on that technicality.

A recreation of the Kingdom of Wisdom from The Phantom Tollbooth WOULD qualify, but tragically that copyright is owned by Warner Brothers. I think they have theme parks in Australia, right? Perhaps Dictionopolis, Digitopolis, and the Castle in the Air could come to life there someday?

IS NARNIA IT?

I dunno; I feel like Narnia remains my best hope right now. Word on the street is they’re rebooting the movies, although there is already some controversy around them. Something about making Aslan a lioness or whatever. But still with a mane. Which is a thing that occurs on rare occasions in nature, I hear. Gotta have a mane; otherwise, what will Aslan shake to have spring again?

I don’t find genderswaps remotely offensive, but it does give me pause that they’re already messing with the source material. That’s awfully presumptuous for an industry that didn’t get it right the first time. As someone who could not stand to so much as watch The Voyage of the Dawn Treader movie due to the SHEER UNADULTERATED [deep breath] INACCURACIES!!!!! of my favorite of the books, I can’t say I’m optimistic.

In the interim, I shall content myself in piggybacking off the obsession of others. Would anyone like to hang out in Oga’s Cantina with me? I’ll buy the drinks if you explain the backstories! All I know so far is something about igniting a spark? Is that the trap?

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